I felt like I had to fix it and if I just explained my feelings enough (cus he was a Nice Guy and would never do anything to hurt me and never cheated on me) he would stop unintentionally making me miserable and there was no Proper Reason to do it. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. I had already tried eight bazillion types of tea. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? He is really good with computers and accounting. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. Accepting you means accepting that. My ex-husband was horrible about trying to fix me and getting really mad when I didnt want his help. You're not sure what it is that might be going on, then give him space and don't contact him for a little while. I think a lot of it springs from an idea that partners make decisions together and tackle projects together, and theyve made the mistake of mis categorizing you as a project. I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. And its going to be almost impossible to dump him because youre so invested in him but you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. Coaches and therapists and teachers also operate with professional distance and ethics that dont mix with romance. Period. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. If I turn back to him and say I dont feel like it, hes completely down with that. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Your email address will not be published. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. I suspect a lot of commenters are going to scream angry bees, run away, and theyre not wrong; your partners behavior is a bit like tiger stripes in tall grass: it looks like one thing (concern for you) but might be something far less pleasant. You can also use the online chat. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. He has ridiculously good boundaries, because its always clear to him who owns what. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. A lot of men dont know what constitutes looking good, sure, but most at least know a clean shirt and something other than cotton or jersey material is the way to go. All the logical, reasonable, skeptical partners that the LWs describe are always trying to use their logic to make other people feel like crap about what they feel. , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . So if your partner was discussing ending the relationship because you were depressed and not in therapy/not taking medication/not engaging in self-care, that would be a reasonable reaction. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. Maybe not just the you he wants to make you into, but also the him who is Cool and Helpful and Makes Things Better so he doesnt want to accept that what hes doing is hurting you, because thatd mean hes not Cool or Helpful or Making Things Better and hasnt been for a while. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) It sounds terrible. Is there anything you need to bring up?" And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Seriously. Even when I was rebuilding my social life from zero, I was happier and more confident presenting myself as a person than as an untrustworthy and possibly unsightly appendage to another person. I wholeheartedly agree. It can be a nice, easy way to do social. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. He comes on strong. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. Him: You havent been to the gym today! My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). Validation. The Captain makes some good points about transitioning from one kind of relationship to another, but there are some really worrying bits, here. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. either way. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. And you dont need to accept this as appropriate treatment. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. Nothing is good enough. Can you help me strategize ways to respond? This is an ongoing issue, and you have an ongoing resource at your disposal to work on it. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. It can be hard to wait through the change. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. Comfort from a relationship is something you are allowed to want. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. Work. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. It also sounds like massive hyperbole. Again, I dont know your boyfriend/relationship, but if he (and if you + your therapist are okay with this) is willing to come to therapy with you, it could be an option. Id still be loved (and unhassled!!) You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. Yes. I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. Or will. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. Lets stay on topic.. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. Do with that information what you will. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. Trouble concentrating. 3. Your partner becomes angry not in response to specific things that they observe, but by broad elements that they infer. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. Slowly cut these people out of your life. I was in a relationship like this! Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. Soup kitchens. I think Captains advice makes sense because, while getting rid of LWs boyfriend would be (according to many, I read) the logical consequence to his behavior, it is also true that you owe it to yourself to state your boundaries within this relationship, should it only last for one more day. Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. Maybe it's been a day, or days, or even weeks. Like, there are healthy relationships where both people agree to certain situations where person A asks to be prompted to do X and person B does so. This isnt sustainable. And he gets a positive comment from me every time I am aware. Ugh, replying to myself. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. anyone who doesnt think youre good enough does not deserve you. Reasonable. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! If I have to cook a decent meal for the toddler, may as well cook for two at once, right? Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Not good. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. I know it's hard - especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away - but it's crucial to loosen your grip. Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. 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