If only it were easier to spot them immediately! He went off again, screaming, repeatedly calling (I forgot to block my new number when I called him so he had my # again), sent many emails saying horrible things. Will my narcissist hoover? I had to acknowledge him, and he I. I was his audience he was my life. In hindsight, I realize it was a mistake. He would have cleaned out my bank account, taken everything I had if I didnt wake up and start questioning and realizing finally it wasnt me. Make no mistake; they have conditioned us to expect it. You are all in my thoughts. Thats the last thing anyone needsincluding him! Where Im from, we call them wolves in sheeps clothing (shudder). He would not keep dates and wouldnt show up. I think they see the vulnerability, the good in people and exploit it. Thank you all for the advise and help. The VERY NEXT DAY she called suggesting I look her up on facebook. I did try to fix him. I love seeing myself through your eyes. If I were you, Id decline on the lunch date. I have experienced this for seven years and I truly understand. Try relaxing music. We do that because we are looking for closure and validation. You probably want to feel like he has some kind of feelings inside so he has some humanity inside and you would feel more connected if he was also suffering. Confirm you had be eloquent enough and hope is nana is better.. But he always had something nasty or condescending to say. The one who really understands him. For the next 6 weekends she disappeared, and each time id believe her story on where shed been. As if to say the 2 months of no contact has made me forget all of his nasty words, actions, caring (manipulating) ploys and that of his mothers too where I should join him in viewing the world with rose colored glasses and ignore the cloud above my head. I will definitely visit him now. Its also true no matter how the relationship ended. The look in his eyes I will never forget, they were dark piercing and nothing no emotion. Did not hear from him for a view days. Yet so ready to embrace a new lease on life . my relative is 11, I watched her growing, very loving family, but she was born with the disorder, no PTSD etc, their basement is an animal graveyard, stealing, verbal sadism, physical sadism towards other children, keeps distance from adults who dont take her pity me stories, manipulates fights between the parents, since at least, 8, etc. Something I catch myself thinking, Maybe he isnt a narcissist? but then I remember his verbal abuse. Like its been said before in cases like mine, wouldnt of stayed this long if it had been overtly abusive but there was a fair amount of good and before my discovery he could fool me with his emotions which seemed real. . That I seemed to have bipolar and need help. It was sweet but I couldnt let what he did go addressed, so I politely outlined how I was hurt and lovingly explained what I thought his issues were. Although the dad loved that dog more than anything, it was a threat to his family now and he had to get rid of it. But basically, its a low and painful blow that knocks the wind out of you and may take you out of action for a few hours. The police came and he flat out lied and omitted the part about him hitting me, only told them I hit him, and they ended up taking ME to jail for battery because at some point between me calling the police and them showing up there, HE scratched his own face and told them I did that when I hit him. He was not used to me ignoring him in the same manner that he had been ignoring me. After that an tekst said peace and have a nice life. He glosses right over it. Thanks for this particular blog, it was great to read the notes and letters from the individual in question of this life behavior. I suppose the mindset of the Narcissist is that youll miss them so much, youll forget about what they did or said to you. He then said he didnt plan to kill me he just wanted to see my reaction. I just filed for divorce after 22 months of no contact because though He discarded me, he will NEVER file. I cant imagine living an entire life with no escape or if I tried being brought to submission or outcast from family and friends. My words to him were I forgive you because I know you are a tortured soul. I hope you get some help because I think you have a lot of potential. At times the situation appears to so bizarre that it does not seem real. The person who repeatedly hurts you is who he really is. and i fell in to his loving show and words.. then he dumped me again because he is so confused. And he was abused my his father as a child, so I feel sorry for him. He told me that I should message her. I know now by reading much also from mr Sam Vaknin that i am a Invert Narcist and like most women of N have HSP High sensitive. I realize the relationship was a major setback for you and I really am sorry. I think in some weird way I keep contact to somehow get to the bottom of it. He said he is happy with new girlfriend but thinks it would be good for us to be friends for the kids sakes. While we certainly dont deserve it, its important to understand what it is about ourselves that made us decide to let our partner get away with it. I renewed my revulsion to being the other woman then wrote the narcissist a polite note saying I was getting busy elsewhere, and thought a clean break was the best idea for me. He was cool and calm and thought he was in control until I declined his offer with certainty. Im entering the no contact phase but still I want to talk to him. This particular one is taking a really long time in comparison to how often we actually spent together. To try and engage you, the narcissist will appear to "own up" to their mistakes and will feign humility and remorse in an attempt to pull at your heartstrings. So theyll get in there first. He lost. He left me for someone else. I still think about her every damn day and even had a dream the other night that she came back into my life with an apology for her behavior. Dont settle for scraps when there are people out there who love you just the way you are and want to be with you through good and bad. Anon, my comments were taken way out of context. This means that 4-5 people out of 100 you know are these creatures!! Then he backed off and said ok hope she do well bye. this man was my world, my everything and I did absolutely everything for him. I too had been in a relationship with a narc for 2 1/2 years. Well, he is now seeing another woman up the street from me. Then I questioned how the hell I missed all the signs but then again, hes smooth, charismatic, cerebral and a great actor. Just sending you my hugs and hope that things will get better. Finally, they discard you for some reason that usually seems inexplicable. Theyll start being overly nice by buying you gifts, and taking you out. This can happen until the passage of time breaks the chemical bond to them. Borderline is distinct from Narcissism. She promised to pay back every dime. Sometimes think i am getting over it. Now another gold ring is been missing and he denies it. Now everything is a lot clearer to me. My heart goes out to you. Im trying hard to remain civil here, I wish there were a way to warn young adults against these predators. He had 4-5 jobs in the 4 years we were together. But, most 17-yr olds I know are bent on learning their own lessons. -Irresponsible/reckless behavior 18 years late and I cant take this any more I do not know how to get away from this nightmare I have 2 daughters who r watching me fall apart .we spilt u 3 Years ago but everyday he breaks me down I have no one my mom was just as bad as he is. At least I hope! Once youve forgotten and its safe for them to come out of hiding and re-establish the previous illusion of them they think you have, they return as though nothing happened but theyre wary of you now just in case you saw what was behind the mask. All my research and going back into therapy and now reading this page has helped me to understand it wasnt me and there is never enough. In personal relationships o began to recognize and see these traits, and slowly over some time, I gained enough experience and insight to walk away before they wove webs. Let me tell you and anyone reading this: youre not alone. Make a daily plan to keep busy or move your stuff out slowly to storage get a UPS address dont tell anyone what youre doing especially him remember to lock down your credit scores to new address once in new place Get Out! I am trying to find a job and use the bus with my child for transportationBut he called me saying that he does not understand why I need distance and felt like I used him (i felt also used as his promises for me finding a reliable job and be free fell through)he said that I should make it easy on myself and live with him or stay with my child in his guest house (! Ellen, Anon is absolutely correct. Keep reading the posts here, signup for the newsletter, get some strength and confidence in yourself before you jump off the cliff and go No Contact. Will I have to spend the rest of my life worried that he will make a sudden appearance in my life just because or to cause trouble personally or professionally? I left my ex in March because the fights kept escalating and he was becoming increasingly disrespectful. cant block so i guess i will filter his msgs to trash. I did that because i am sure he gets a kick out of it if he sees me broken on the floor. Even at sixty five she turned heads. i knew that but this.. and just now? -Controlling Walkern Windows and Homes / Blog / General / when the narcissist stops contacting you A mutual friend of mine and hers had unknowingly stated she was having a fling with a married man with 2 girls who was leaving his wife. [] time to fight back against hoovering. Plus, women are by nature, more seductive then men. I could, I miss you terribly . I did and I am so much happier now. Through talking with friends and learning about the situation i am in, i believe i will and can brave the storm. Reading Suggestion: The Narcissist Discard phase. Most of his are either a request unrelated to parenting (which I ignore) or replies to me with another question [is that all you wanted?, are you saying that ()?] when I expected a yes or no and he hates that I dont reply. They end up making the shrink question themselves and they are then their victim! I also have a lot of rage and I am so cynical and pessimistic of everything .I think I have ptsd. Take time to calm yourself down: Go for a walk or do some exercise. He calls again..I wait then text him????. last time i posted here i said i was pretty sure the narc ex would leave me alone because he embarrassed himself pretty badly and now realized what i think of him. I avoid face to face as much as possible, we communicate via email and phone messages. He sent a long message about how he met this beautiful woman from New York and so on and that he lost interest in me and maybe we could be friends but probably not, he went on to blame everything on me as usual and that I forced him to seek . In this case, since youre saying you dont want to be friends anymore, hell remind you that hes got something on you that could destroy you. what if one day she will come forward and say.. If we argue its ok if we do it for a little bit to vent or whatnotsure.. Hi CJ, he sounds like a Narc I dated a few years ago. learned from the fasting/prayer is that it was time chance and circumstance and they just couldnt care less, they couldnt even care less what its doing to you the one they say they Love. He and I use to go to that park and made love to each other. We are still in silent treatment as a punishment. I view them as keeping me away from productive things. The time line fits the puzzle. I cannot describe the way he wrote me, how he behaved, all those words to make me feel so small. He thought he could talk his way out of my opinion of him (liked he used to talk his way out of everything)..but once he saw the spell was broken, he went away. No Im fine. I am seeing thats it really isnt me. You will kick yourself for thinking his presence will make you happy. The happy times we shared were almost spiritual in nature. John is a novelist, writer, entrepreneur, and consultant, whose best consulting is focused on what he did that others should avoid. Why should she just come and go when she feels like it and I have all the responsibility ? Speaking as a woman who was ripped off of about $80,000 between the last two narcs/sociopaths I was involved with and who sweet-talked and seduced me and played Prince Charming so well they fooled everyone initially and then left me devastated and Im still suffering from PTSD and on meds years laterwell, it just doesnt seem fair to read what you wrote. Narcissists keep us tethered to them by something we cant explainuntil either they or we cut the cord for good. Narcissists are never happy. Then new girl says I dont know him, he is happy now and she thinks she knows him better after 3 months than i did for 20 years. . But I recovered it. I found him again on dating websites, 3 profiles on POF different ages, different names. I had PTSS at that time from it. In a futile attempt to get closure, I engaged with my ex-narcissist. At that time, during dropping off my daughter to him, he grabbed at my breasts claiming he still owned them cuz he paid child support. He gets no prize for that but it is a difference Ive noticed. Disbelieve hurt, angry, could eat or sleep and had no strenght to go even to the toilet. Wow this letter sounds like my soon to be X, Kevin! Replies appreciated! We could only dine at restaurants he went to with her family. 3 weeks later she called to drop off the key to my house and let me know shed met someone on a dating site. What was I suppose to do? He told me he knew this but that it was a flight and it never will last long. Once she knew that the image reflected in my eyes is not what she desires to see (because I told her) gone. That judge has no clue the abuse and the wreckage that woman had done to me! Am I bounding myself too much? She often would talk me up and compliment me more than usual after we would reconnect following a period of no contact as if it were her way of apologizing. Still dont know how to explain that to him. And that the whole points. So better go trough the pain. Why Cant I Just Leave? Well, thats what I thought I would be. After three days he was gone. Now i have to start all over again:-(. There was a place that was open and never seemed to be fulfilled before but youre doing a great job of filling it. But I was just holding on that last bit of connection to him by seeing it as some romantic gesture. Weve both defriended him on all our social networks. Because I got to see his good side (he has one). I enjoyed A Narcissists Love Letter. In simple, the narcissist creates a belief in you (even without your knowledge) that you are unsuitable for any relationship. Bruce, quite an interesting story. Has it been easier than just having him up and leave? But I did shiver at times. It was one date and done, but I occasionally every blue moon thought of her and how she was doing these days. This so-called behavioral approach is new and very different from those traditional ones, that emphasise subconscious insecurity and the lack of self worth in NPDs. Wishing you all the best. When questioned he would get angry and evasive. She says the ex was just at her house and wanted to know if I still lived here because hes been calling and Im not answering my phone. Even worse he met an adorable famous person in his country who does the same work as him andnthey are having a baby. One thing I noticed is that these Ns do NOT like to know about your problems and weaknesses. Never did it occur that I would, but heres my advice: Dont attack. So even when they have taken literally everything else from us, we still have the ability to Love. When theyre with a group of friends, the narcissists might say something like, wow, I cant believe how relaxed I feel now that me and Terri are not together. [Read: 7 Reasons Why Narcissists Wont Give You Closure]. They arent, so they have to undo you like a fly in a spider web and make you feel as crappy as they do. However, a large part of the reason we feel an attachment is often because of trauma-bonding and the mental/physical addiction that occurs as a result of emotional abuse and manipulation. But i want to give an update to going no contact with my Narcissistic Ex girlfriend. I try only now to be patient to feel my way and not react to this sense of emptiness fill it with other things and in a way hope that in time that the feelings will return but that is only for the experience of flying we are not alone in this world we do not do things only for the thing itself but that experience is surrounded by other people and its those people who are largely the same all of whom stood back and let me be abused. Victims often believe that when the narcissist comes back after months, it's because they . IF its true, and that is a BIG IF, she may just stroke his emotional ego sooo much that he doesnt care. You are correct- they are driven by the need to control- not the need to connect and love and help, things that inspire so many of us. I said what is there to be scared of. I thought it was good to have him as a friend because i have no friends here. I am so angry with him but dissapointed in myself! Why you put up with it all. This is my first encounter with a narcissist. I moved to another state with my child as he promised me a job, in fact I was not even paid the minimum wage. Everytime he sent a message just to say hey he would include i miss you and it would send me back into the past, missing him and wondering why things couldnt be the way we wanted. (or so im told) To escape this situation she married an older man. Thanks for sharing. I have no energy to look out of my son and cook and clean.. Not an emotional goodbye. But still nobody knows the interaction and humor and interesse that we have. I am slowly coming back to me..so if there is a guy with initials jfp from monroe county ..give him a very wide berth.. So you have the option of reaching out to your ex without it causing damage. 5. The day after Thanksgiving, the ex calls. We met a year after they split and to she was literally the best thing that had ever happened to me. The more I read about narcissists, the more I am amazed at what I put up with and how deeply I was manipulated. Hes above the law and honestly theres no justice when dealing with these mental idiots. I can see now after 4 months, why other ppl kept saying they are a better person because of the N. I sure learned the importance of boundaries and trust my gut. His mom asked how much I was selling it for, etc; I told her to call him for the details cause he charged it and had the paperwork. What do I mean by need? And this wasnt just in the beginning..he was this way consistently for the entire two years we were together. I was hysterical and I called the police so they could help me get my belongings. I mean, why the hateraid? He sold it. I dont know enough about borderlines but they do say narcissists usually have something else with their disorder ie sociopath narcissist, sex addict narcissist..maybe he is a borderline narcissist. I loved him beyond belief. Its only a theory, as no one can predict the future. So to fool you into believing that the contact wont be the same if you remain friends, theyll say theyre going to therapy to work through their issues. I have a protection order but he doesnt care. We constantly re-work our definition of what a relationship really is as they drift in and out, all around us, ghost-like. They are full of jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. He claimed that I shouldnt harden myself and that he was one of the good guys. He is tired of my games, so I said enough with the bs Im worth more then this and I want more then this, I felt stuck and thats no way to live. She is so orientated by money. When he gives me the feeling that i am ok . Borrowing my hard earned money and then disappearing a month later without paying me back, and blocking me from social media is inexcusable and unacceptable. Interesting comment. sent me a love song via email. This fallout is something I will deal with on a daily basis for the rest of my life and theirs and it breaks my heart. I needed support for the situation with my mother. I have since found out that all the abuse that she told me she had suffered at the hands of every man she had been in a relationship with was a complete lie to rope me in. I have gone no contact but he always seems to find a way, I am strong and have no intentions of ever letting him gas light or hoover me back to his destructive way of contorting the truth and blaming me for everything and then in the next breath telling me how much he loves me and misses me and can we please go on holiday together when this pandemic is over. 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